


Feel : Hear

by forgottenjeevas



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Blood and Injury, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), M/M, Mind Manipulation, Red Lyrium
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 22:51:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgottenjeevas/pseuds/forgottenjeevas
Summary: Final battle with Corypheus, and everything is going as planned. Until it isn't.





	Feel : Hear

 

 

Feel.

 

 

The cries and calls of something he never wanted to understand. He felt these gnawing bones and echoes long before he neared the madman of a magister and all his red glory. Try as he might, his blade was heavy. Too heavy to wield and far too much in weight to even think of using in combat.

 

 

The others closed in on the enemy, blood and sweat mixing in a too familiar combination that he hated he knew so well. They didn't notice his absence from the fight. Maybe they did. Either way it didnt matter. He couldn't hear their cries for him, lost in the simplicity and chaos of the songs rebelling.

 

 

Feel.

 

 

He felt these songs and hated that he was trapped in their deadly snares. He thought these cages were behind him now. But thoughts were useless in this moment. This was the time when he rallied his strength to challenge the songs and their old ways.

 

 

Feel.

 

 

He felt the crushing amount of dependency. He knew that the others would be noticing that he wasn't there. They would try to get away and fail because the enemy was too powerful and they should have expected...

 

 

Some force tore at his heart, and that was more terrifying than everything else. The image of the one person he cared about in this cruel world to watch the songs shredding his soul smaller and smaller with every ticking second of the songs tune.

 

 

Feel.

 

 

He felt more than heard his own pitiful whimper, only now realizing he had hit the ground and the other half of his heart was right beside him in a state of horror. His eyes wouldn't work the way he ordered them to, his hands wouldn't grip his horrified heart and his lips wouldn't open to reveal the beautiful yet painful words.

 

 

Hear.

 

 

The waves of echoes only increased as a new cry was added to the chaos. The half of his heart was shedding tears.

 

 

::::

 

 

The plan had been to charge in and not stop until Corypheus was gone once and for all. But of course the Champion of Kirkwall's luck never was that great. As far as battles go, everything was normal enough and expected. Nothing the five of them couldn't handle. But as soon as Hawke saw the light at the end of the tunnel, he knew it was too much to ask for. Since when had he not lost someone he cared about?

 

 

He noticed that the grunts and war crys of his lover were missing too long after he'd fallen. Scanning the crumbling ruins and his other friends still active in the fight, he couldn't find the one person he needed by his side. No way could he finish this without him.

 

 

"Keep him busy!" He called to no one in particular, then with gasping breaths of hot air he made his way back towards the drop off. The shaky breaths weren't his. And they were coming from the unstable staircase just out of his reach.

 

 

"I'm on my way! Don't die on me!"

 

 

After the fight with the dragon he'd been injured, but...

 

There was a small inclined hill that he could use to get onto the stairs, but it would definitely take most of his remaining strength. Whatever it took was worth it. He couldn't leave his love to die. Not like this.

 

 

Heaving and clanking of his armour and scraping of metal on rock were nothing compared to the frantic spasms that he was met with.

 

 

"Fenris! Fenris!"

 

 

Hastily and still gentle, Hawke pulled the man's trembling shaky body into his lap and cradled his head. Maker, what was wrong with his eyes? Once green with a sparkle just for him, now clouded and red and beginning to glow. His skin was the same, even his lyrium very visible even with his armour and bloodied appearance.

 

 

A pitiful whimper left everything else tuned out. Silence. Then Fenris' eyes locked on him. "Hawke." It was weak and mangled but undeniably Fenris.

 

 

Hesitant to put him in any more pain, Hawke found his hand and clasped it in his own, trying to help him even though he had no idea what was wrong. "I'm here, Fenris."

 

 

:::::

 

 

Memories flooded through the red, and he let them flow like they weighed less than a stone that Hawke taught him to skip on the Hinterland waters.

 

 

_"I'm here, Fenris." And a hand on his shoulder. Gentle and hopeful. Hawke always had wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with Hawke. That was when he first began to notice Hawke's gestures meant something more. He'd never allowed anyone too close for that reason. He never wanted anyone to get hurt. Not for him, not again._

 

 

_The Book of Shartan sat on the desk, Hawke resting his hand on the cover as he idly traced the smooth material. He eyed the cover, knowing that he wanted- no, needed- to read the contents inside the pages. He watched Hawke and chuckled lightly. "Your hand is in the way." Hawke had smirked, picking his hand up and sneaking a kiss. He had laughed and entwined one hand in Hawke's and they both opened the book._

 

_"It's a nug, Fenris, not a demon. It's not going to hurt you." He remembered eying the creature cautiously, waiting for it to attack at any moment. When they'd stumbled upon a few nugs in a cave in the Hinterlands, he had been stopped by Hawke, who was not at all disturbed by their presence. "I had a friend who loved them. I have to admit... They're pretty ugly." He had laughed because it was such a Hawke thing to say. It had been a good day._

 

 

The present came rushing back in a forceful shove of reality. He inhaled sharply on air that wasn't clean and instinctively gripped tighter on Hawke's hand- steady compared to the uncontrollable trembling of his own. Hawke's eyes never once looked away, and he barely was able to capture his last thought as the world turned red.

 

 

_I failed you, Hawke._

 

 

_I'm sorry._

 

 

_Don't let me hurt you._

 

 

:::

 

 

Hawke connected the song he was hearing after Fenris stopped responding. The same song that they had heard in the Deep Roads when they found that stupid idol. The same song that they had heard in Bartrand's house after he went mad. He hated himself for not thinking about it before, for putting Fenris in this situation in the first place, and for letting him get lost like he was.

 

 

The faint glow was no longer faint, overpowering and interrupting any thought Hawke had been about to think. Red spread until it was everywhere. The body was his beautiful Fenris - the mind was not. The way that those red eyes watched him in a way that Fenris never would gave Hawke fear he never wanted to have. Whatever was happening, it was all his fault, and that guilt sunk deeper than letting his sister be tainted by the darkspawn, his mother dying by the hand of a madman...

 

 

No. He couldn't let the only other person he cared about be killed. He wouldn't.

 

 

"Fenris--"

 

 

"We can't take him!" "He's too strong, Inquisitor! Where is the Champion?" Another voice joined the others. "Fenris is missing!"

 

 

Hawke couldn't tell anything from the panic rising in his head. It was too late to join the fight with Corypheus. Not when Fenris wasn't himself. Not when the intensity of the red made him unsteady and vision blurred. "You have to take him down, Inquisitor! He's got Fenris!" If by a miracle they heard him over the singsong corruptive melody, they knew to give it their all.

 

 

:::

 

 

_They don't trust you, elf._

 

 

_You'll never be one of them._

 

 

_Kill them._

 

 

_Kill them all._

 

 

_They will turn against you,_

 

 

_Just like everyone else you trusted._

 

 

Hawke gently held Fenris' hand and examined the newly gained snakes of the red lyrium as it completely covered the existing white. Never would he have thought this was possible. He silently cursed the Maker for his lack of luck when it came to close relationships. Carver, Mother, even Bethany was lost while in the deep roads. It made him feel all that guilt at once, re-mourning the deaths of everyone he ever cared about. And now... It was Fenris. The one person who knew about the smallest details, who didnt need words to communicate because they shared the same brain, who stayed by his side when no one else _understood_.

 

 

A savage growl from behind him caught him off guard. Two stray despair demons slithering in that odd way they always did, and it was the distraction he didn't want. He needed to focus on Fenris and anything that would save him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he hurt Hawke or any other companion. He wouldn't want to live like that and Hawke didn't blame him. No way would he let his love become a monster.

 

_He's weak._

 

_He's vulnerable._

 

_Strike now._

 

_Stand up._

 

_Destroy him._

 

_Destroy._

 

Hawke didn't have time to react. A third enemy snuck up behind him. At the same time, all three at once, somehow in sync, leaving him with nothing to do except brace himself. The pain was agony, but it was nothing compared to the shattering of his heart when he looked into Fenris' red eyes that he had to remind himself didn't belong to Fenris. The attacks weren't in sync anymore, coming randomly except for the once man in front of him he couldn't look away from. The two stared at one another. Too long. Hawke couldn't find the strength to fight. Between reluctance and loss of blood from the still attacking demons, Hawke was surprised he stood as steady as he was.

 

_This is your chance, elf_ _._

 

_Kill him._

 

_Do it_ _._

 

Hawke felt the effects of the red lyrium feeding off of Fenris. It felt the same as it had coming from Knight Commander Meredith back in Kirkwall all those months ago. The waves of faint singing, familiar yet not describable in the slightest. He hated it. This evil had taken so much from not only him, but his friends. It had affected so many in the worst of ways, made more corpses than necessary, and he absolutely loathed this vile enemy. What made things worse, he didn't know if there was any way to destroy it without it coming back worse.

 

_Do it, elf._

 

_He will never trust you._

 

_This is why you don't deserve happiness._

 

_He will always be there to take it away._

 

_No._

 

_Then don't let him get away._

 

_Take your life back._

 

The growls of the despair demons were nothing compared to the hideous and  heartbreaking roar that came rushing out of Fenris. Hawke felt the energy in the air change drastically, and he was a split second away from having the elf's hand through his chest when he was shoved to the ground. His head connected with the crumbling earth, and he lost several crucial seconds. When the world stopped spinning, Hawke heard swinging of weapons, immediately knowing they wouldn't win. Not against Fenris. Not... Like he was.

 

"Stop!" Groaning, the Champion pushed himself into a standing position, aided by fractured columns that hadn't fallen yet. "That's still Fenris!"

 

Cassandra didn't falter. Her blade hit armour, but that didn't make any difference. Neither did the other metals scratching skin and bone. Nothing mattered. They couldn't win. And the looks on their faces said it all. They knew. All of them knew this was the last thing they would ever do. For a long moment, Hawke was silent, no words could mean anything for how much he apprieciated their determination.

 

Another surprise sent Cassandra, Hawke, Dorian, The Iron Bull, and the Inquisitor stumbling backwards. Green lights sliced through the air quickly, a friendly warning. Needless to say, no one knew what to think. Dorian spoke first, slight humour in his tone, though nothing about this was funny. But that was Dorian, always trying to lighten the mood.

 

"Cole, warn us before you just appear like that."

 

Cassandra followed. "Why--"

 

Cole interrupted, all business, pushing the tip of his right dagger just barely into Fenris' neck. The threat was received, for some reason Fenris remained still, watching. It made Hawke more unsettled than when he was attacking. Almost obedient like the Saarebas Ketojan.

 

Cole had never been this scary in front of Hawke, and he took that seriously. "Clawing, crying, comforting red. Calloused hands and red... He got too close. Suffering, scared, 'Be silent like a grave'--"

 

"Can we save him, Cole?" Hawke interrupted. He couldn't stand to hear more of what the boy sensed. Nobody thought that the red lyrium from Corypheus would effect him this way.

 

Everyone waited for the response, but Cole didn't give one. He moved with such speed and unexpected grace that he'd never seen another person have. The twin blades accessed the easy-to-miss gap on either side of Fenris' chestplate, quickly thrusting into the direction of the heart. Only then did Fenris react from his trance, defending himself and sinking his hand around Cole's throat. They toppled to the ground, never losing eye contact.

 

Hawke's eyes widened, but he couldn't move his feet to act. "Fenris!" Was it Fenris stopping him? Looking around briefly let him know that only the elf and the former spirit were able to move. A fair fight, if Hawke had to guess a reason. No way of anyone joining in. "Fenris!"

 

Cole glared, but Hawke couldn't see Fenris from his angle. All he could do was watch helplessly. "Dorian! Do something!" The mage looked stunned, but managed to summon enough mana for a small spell, possibly enough to distract Fenris for Cole to escape.

 

Cole shook his head as best as he was able, groaning with the effort of sticking his daggers deeper into his attacker. "I don't want to kill you. But to stop you from hurting our friends, I will not stop until you have fallen."

 

Such bold words, but Hawke didn't understand where they came from. Cole didn't talk that way. Nobody he knew did.

 

Fenris snarled like an animal, and Cole took the moment to use his lightweight-ness to his advantage. It was a move only he could pull off. He used the deep-buried daggers as leverage, lifting himself up and reversing the roles. Fenris struggled, but Cole gave no room for escaping as he caught his breath.

 

Hawke watched, not at all catching onto the boy's plan. What in Maker's name was he doing? He could kill Fenris! Dorian locked eyes with him, as clueless as he, keeping a small reserve of mana at the ready just in case. The Inquisitor seemed ready to pass out from exhaustion, and Cassandra steadied her with weak arms. That was a victory they would celebrate after this was all over, though nobody knew the outcome.

 

The Iron Bull for once had no words of sarcasm or advice, but his expression was similar to the one he wore when encountered with blood magic. Hawke sympathized.

 

The words that hung in the air were not Fenris, shocking even Cole, and they all listened.

 

**_Say go_ ** **_odbye._ **

 

_**Kill them.** _

 

**_Don't let them stop you._ **

 

**_They don't deserve to live._ **

 

**_Not when they took what belongs to you._ **

 

**_Are you going to let this spirit do that?_ **

 

_Destroy._

 

Fenris shifted then, and Hawke held his breath in understanding. Paranoia. Turning him against his friends. It wouldn't be long before he fully lost himself. But...

 

"Fenris...?"

 

Hawke's head snapped in the direction of the new voice. Unmistakable.

 

"Maker..." The voice breathed softly. "Youre the last person who deserved this..."

 

Hawke and Fenris both watched the voice's owner approach, and Cole made sure that Fenris didn't move to attack even though he had every right by Hawke's reasoning.

 

"You have to hurry, he's almost gone." Cole released his grip on Fenris, making his way to his feet and ripping his daggers out. The untrusted man knelt beside Fenris, and Hawke shouted all sorts of curses at him. Cole hung his head, understanding, but made no move to stop Hawke. Everyone was silent, observing the not-so-stranger with a mixture of interest and worry.

 

"I know I was reckless and stupid, Hawke, but I know better now. I wouldn't have come here if I didn't intend to put a stop to this."

 

Hawke glared. "The battle is over with. You aren't needed, so get out before I make you regret coming here!"

 

"I didn't come here to fight. Our mutual friend here wanted me to be here. Sadly, I was late."

 

Mutual friend? The only one who didn't seem shocked to see... Hawke narrowed his eyes at Cole. "You called him here? You knew this would happen?"

 

Cole fidgeted with his shirt sleeve, and the unwanted man began to examine Fenris while the focus wasn't as much on him. Hawke wanted to strangle him. But in the off chance he could save Fenris... "Varric asked the Inquisitor to destroy red lyrium that had appeared around the surface before it could cause more chaos like Kirkwall. Fenris went on one of the trips, and Cole was afraid he would get hurt if anything like that happened again."

 

Hawke turned to Cole now, only slightly empathetic for his nervousness. "Explain."

 

"...Ever since the first trip, I felt Fenris hurting, changing. He told you he was fine, but every trip he got worse. I wanted to help..."

 

"So you called **_him_** here to do what? He doesn't know anything about red lyrium."

 

"I do." A look from Hawke went unnoticed by Anders, but he took the silence as cue to speak. "I took great interest in Meredith's sword- you remember it?"

 

Stupid question. That sword still haunted his nightmares.

 

"She said that red lyrium was placed inside sword, and that we discovered was her downfall. I went into hiding after the battle, and I researched red lyrium as much as I could. I found a way to neutralize it, long enough to separate it from the object and destroy it."

 

Hawke didn't believe him. Not in the slightest. "No. You'll kill Fenris."

 

Anders chuckled, with no evil intent. "Hawke, I'm still a healer. I don't kill unless they deserve it."

 

"The two of you never got along. How do I know you won't try to kill him and say it was an accident?"

 

Cole jumped back from where he was kneeling beside Fenris, and everyone stiffened at what they saw. Hawke and the Inquisitor even muttered silent prayers. The others looked on with grim faces.

 

His left arm used to be armoured with a worn gauntlet, but now it was clusters of painful looking red lyrium, forming small spikes in a way of defense. Anders turned to Hawke for the first time. "You have to trust me. He won't make it if we don't do it now."

 

Wordlessly, Anders dispelled the magic and everyone shifted, feeling the tension hanging in the air as they stood silent. Hawke raced to kneel beside Fenris, Dorian close behind, though he kept a safe distance. The red felt able to take the oxygen out of the air, harder to breathe, and harder to survive.

 

The man hesitated, briefly, casting a look at the other mage beside Hawke. "I'll need your help. As an anchor, should anything go wrong."

 

"How will I know when to pull you back?"

 

Anders eyed the left arm of red spiked defenses, turning his gaze to Hawke. "If he makes any move to attack."

 

Everyone stiffened, Hawke taking Fenris' red arm in his hands. Dorian moved to kneel on the right side of Anders, a supportive hand on his shoulder. Cassandra and Iron Bull lowered the weak Inquisitor to the ground, but she was breathing.

 

Letting the power flow from Dorian was easy, but as it travelled from Anders' shoulder into Fenris, there was an immediate reaction, and Dorian almost pulled away. Anders held his left hand on Fenris' forehead, overwhelmed with the heat and intensity, leaving his other hand to rest on his chest near his heart. "Whatever happens, Hawke, don't worry. I can handle this."

 

The words made Hawke irritated, but he didn't lash out like he wanted to. Instead, he watched Anders for a moment, then didn't take his eyes off of Fenris. The time for words was over, unless it was his lover whispering in his ear that this was just a nightmare, and everything was okay.

 

Anders closed his eyes. Red lyrium was everywhere, whether he used his sight or not. He felt it. He followed the erratic trail where it was festering inside Fenris, using his knowledge to guide him to the core.

 

It was working, or Hawke hoped it was. Dorian hadn't moved, and Fenris hadn't attacked, but the silence was suffocating. He wanted to fill the empty space with nothing but Fenris smiling and laughing. The more he focused on it, the more loud and clear it became, until he was standing in front of the door to his estate in Kirkwall.

 

_The door was locked, which was normal when his mother was at the market buying ingredients to cook for dinner_ _. What he wasn't expecting was a familiar silhouette in the dim light of the dying fireplace, his heart skipping a beat_ _. "Fenris? Why are you sitting here in the dark?"_

 

_"I knew you'd be here if I waited long enough."_

 

_Hawke couldn't stop the words, amused and curious_ _. "Well, it is where I live. Other times I'm out finding torn trousers in every crate and barrel. Each time I sell them at the market, I expect the merchant to refuse to buy them_ _. He has to have over two hundred by now. What do you think he does--"_

 

_Fenris put a single metal covered finger over Hawke's mouth, quieting him_ _. His eyes were full of happiness, and he pulled his lover closer for a kiss. When they parted, Hawke was blushing, scratching his head in embarrassment_ _. "I'll never get used to that. Have you been waiting all day just to give me a kiss?"_

 

_Fenris gave a small lift of his lips, smirking. "You asked me not to go with you today, remember? Without you or your mother here, I got... Lonely."_

 

_Right! He had Fenris stay at the estate so he could find him the perfect present for their anniversary. All the merchants had interesting items, but none seemed to jump out at him as perfect_ _. He'd thought of books, enchantments for his sword, food from his favourite baker, but he wanted something special._

 

_"I have a surprise for you, actually."_

 

_"Is that why you were gone all day? I told you I don't need gifts to know you love me."_

 

_Hawke smiled, and the contagious smile spread to Fenris. "But I got **you** a gift." _

 

_Fenris retrieved a small box from the fireplace mantle, clearly nervous_ _. He opened the box facing his lover, blushing himself_ _._

 

_"Garrett Hawke. Will you accept...?"_

 

_Hawke's eyes widened, his smile was friendly. "I've always accepted you, Fenris. Right from the very beginning. That isn't going to change now." He pulled the contents of the box out, slipping it onto the appropriate finger and bringing Fenris into a crushing embrace. He pulled back enough to bring their lips together, and Fenris followed his lead_ _._

 

_"I love you, Hawke."_

 

Hawke used his free hand to wipe the tears from his face. The day Fenris proprosed to him. It seemed so long ago, but it was only a year before this moment now, possibly the last. Nobody knew it would turn out like this, and how could they have?

 

Anders suddenly gasped, and Dorian prepared to help if needed. Hawke watched Fenris, the glow never seeming to fade. "I'm here, Fenris." It was weak, shaky, but he knew he needed to stay strong. He had to believe that he would make it through this.

 

:::

 

"--m here, Fenris."

 

Distorted, echoing where there shouldn't be echoes. What did it mean? Who was speaking?

 

There was a section a distance away. It was different, clean, and he felt drawn to it, like fire to water. It was dangerous, and yet he was getting closer. Occasionally he would stop walking, but he would find himself walking again without realizing it.  The real danger was he felt watched. The closer he got to the clean air, the more he felt judged by his actions, as if someone was waiting for him to make the wrong choice.

 

"Keep going, Fenris. I've got you."

 

A new voice was startling, but gentle, soothing. He felt transfixed, calm even. If he just reached out, he could be free of this red...

 

As he reached out his arm, a growl escaped his lips, and he pulled his arm back. No. Dangerous, trap, don't fall for it.

 

But the voice persisted. "You can do this. Just follow your heart."

 

His heart. What a load of nonsense. Bullshit. The only thing he could listen to was the melody of the songs. They kept him safe, everything else out.

 

"Remember Hawke. He's waiting for you."

 

The words meant nothing. Sense was beyond him now. Memories fractured, scattered, lost. "Go away. I wilI not be taken from my home." He said to the voice. But he couldn't shake the bad feeling he had. The clean air got farther away, and the more he ran to it, the more distance there was. Why was he running?

 

"Come back to us, Fenris." The two voices spoke as one, and Fenris held his head. It had to be a trick...Just a test to prove himself. He shook his head, blocking out the voices.

 

The voice got weaker, and he felt more in control, powerful. If he kept blocking it out, it would go away. Then he would be able to concentrate on the melody again.

 

Pure power sent a shockwave to his body, and he collapsed to his knees as one image flashed in his mind. His heart immediately responded. "Hawke!"

 

One second passed. Two. Five. Then Fenris was able to breathe, the clean air just inches away...

 

:::

 

Hawke tightened his grip on the man's arm. The red was disappearing, some parts breaking, some melting like heated ice. He watched Anders, but his real focus was his lover. He had to make it. No. He would.

 

A choked sob brought reality back, and Anders fell backwards, Dorian following suit. Both of them seemed unhurt, and the red was gone. That left Fenris, eyes still closed and breath ragged.

 

"Come on... Fenris, don't leave me..."

 

Silence. Forty seconds. Multiple times Hawke found himself thinking 'This has gotta be the longest forty seconds of my life'. Until finally, green eyes snapped open, and Hawke didn't have time to react to Fenris grabbing him and kissing him.

 

Desperation overtook him, and Hawke matched it, both of them gasping for air when they broke the connection. Neither cared that everyone was watching. All that mattered was Fenris was safe.

 

"Don't ever scare me like that again!" Hawke embraced Fenris, and he gave a sheepish smile.

 

"I love you, Hawke."

 


End file.
